Category Archives: Quotes

Quote of the Day

Machines which ape people are tending to encroach on every aspect of people’s lives, and that such machines force people to behave like machines. The new electronic devices do indeed have the power to force people to “communicate” with them and with each other on the terms of the machine. Whatever structurally does not fit the logic of machines is effectively filtered from a culture dominated by their use.
The machine-like behaviour of people chained to electronics constitutes a degradation of their well-being and of their dignity which, for most people in the long run, becomes intolerable. Observations of the sickening effect of programmed environments show that people in them become indolent, impotent, narcissistic and apolitical. The political process breaks down, because people cease to be able to govern themselves; they demand to be managed.
Ivan Illich, 1982

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Love Quote

“I am,” he said. He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. “I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you.”

– John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Time

“Try to imagine a life without timekeeping. You probably can’t. You know the month, the year, the day of the week. There is a clock on your wall or the dashboard of your car. You have a schedule, a calendar, a time for dinner or a movie. Yet all around you, timekeeping is ignored. Birds are not late. A dog does not check its watch. Deer do not fret over passing birthdays. an alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A fear of time running out.”

― Mitch Albom, The Time Keeper

Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde
Oscar Wilde

Man, I love Oscar Wilde. This is why:

1. Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

2. All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That’s his.

3. What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.

4. A true friend stabs you in the front.

5. I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.

6. I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.

7. A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.

8. Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.

9. As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.

10. America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.

11. I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

12. All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.

13. Ah! Don’t say that you agree with me. When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong.

14. Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

15. Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

16. I see when men love women, they give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything.

17. There is something terribly morbid in the modern sympathy with pain. One should sympathise with the colour, the beauty, the joy of life. The less said about life’s sores the better.

18. Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.

19. Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals.

20. By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.

21. Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.

22. There is no sin except stupidity.

23. The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what fiction means.

24. The man who can dominate a London dinner-table can dominate the world.

25. One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

26. There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love.

27. One of the many lessons that one learns in prison is that things are what they are and will be what they will be.

28. Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.

http://www.raptitude.com/2010/09/28-more-than-just-clever-remarks-from-one-of-historys-great-smartasses/

Truisms

TRUISMS (1978-1983)
JENNY HOLZER

  • A LITTLE KNOWLEDGE CAN GO A LONG WAY
  • A LOT OF PROFESSIONALS ARE CRACKPOTS
  • A MAN CAN’T KNOW WHAT IT IS TO BE A MOTHER
  • A NAME MEANS A LOT JUST BY ITSELF
  • A POSITIVE ATTITUDE MEANS ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD
  • A RELAXED MAN IS NOT NECESSARILY A BETTER MAN
  • A SENSE OF TIMING IS THE MARK OF GENIUS
  • A SINCERE EFFORT IS ALL YOU CAN ASK
  • A SINGLE EVENT CAN HAVE INFINITELY MANY INTERPRETATIONS
  • A SOLID HOME BASE BUILDS A SENSE OF SELF
  • A STRONG SENSE OF DUTY IMPRISONS YOU
  • ABSOLUTE SUBMISSION CAN BE A FORM OF FREEDOM
  • ABSTRACTION IS A TYPE OF DECADENCE
  • ABUSE OF POWER COMES AS NO SURPRISE
  • ACTION CAUSES MORE TROUBLE THAN THOUGHT
  • ALIENATION PRODUCES ECCENTRICS OR REVOLUTIONARIES
  • ALL THINGS ARE DELICATELY INTERCONNECTED
  • AMBITION IS JUST AS DANGEROUS AS COMPLACENCY
  • AMBIVALENCE CAN RUIN YOUR LIFE
  • AN ELITE IS INEVITABLE
  • ANGER OR HATE CAN BE A USEFUL MOTIVATING FORCE
  • ANIMALISM IS PERFECTLY HEALTHY
  • ANY SURPLUS IS IMMORAL
  • ANYTHING IS A LEGITIMATE AREA OF INVESTIGATION
  • ARTIFICIAL DESIRES ARE DESPOILING THE EARTH
  • AT TIMES INACTIVITY IS PREFERABLE TO MINDLESS FUNCTIONING
  • AT TIMES YOUR UNCONSCIOUSNESS IS TRUER THAN YOUR CONSCIOUS MIND
  • AUTOMATION IS DEADLY
  • AWFUL PUNISHMENT AWAITS REALLY BAD PEOPLE
  • BAD INTENTIONS CAN YIELD GOOD RESULTS
  • BEING ALONE WITH YOURSELF IS INCREASINGLY UNPOPULAR
  • BEING HAPPY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING ELSE
  • BEING JUDGMENTAL IS A SIGN OF LIFE
  • BEING SURE OF YOURSELF MEANS YOU’RE A FOOL
  • BELIEVING IN REBIRTH IS THE SAME AS ADMITTING DEFEAT
  • BOREDOM MAKES YOU DO CRAZY THINGS
  • CALM IS MORE CONDUCTIVE TO CREATIVITY THAN IS ANXIETY
  • CATEGORIZING FEAR IS CALMING
  • CHANGE IS VALUABLE WHEN THE OPPRESSED BECOME TYRANTS
  • CHASING THE NEW IS DANGEROUS TO SOCIETY
  • CHILDREN ARE THE MOST CRUEL OF ALL
  • CHILDREN ARE THE HOPE OF THE FUTURE
  • CLASS ACTION IS A NICE IDEA WITH NO SUBSTANCE
  • CLASS STRUCTURE IS AS ARTIFICIAL AS PLASTIC
  • CONFUSING YOURSELF IS A WAY TO STAY HONEST
  • CRIME AGAINST PROPERTY IS RELATIVELY UNIMPORTANT
  • DECADENCE CAN BE AN END IN ITSELF
  • DECENCY IS A RELATIVE THING
  • DEPENDENCE CAN BE A MEAL TICKET
  • DESCRIPTION IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN METAPHOR
  • DEVIANTS ARE SACRIFICED TO INCREASE GROUP SOLIDARITY
  • DISGUST IS THE APPROPRIATE RESPONSE TO MOST SITUATIONS
  • DISORGANIZATION IS A KIND OF ANESTHESIA
  • DON’T PLACE TO MUCH TRUST IN EXPERTS
  • DRAMA OFTEN OBSCURES THE REAL ISSUES
  • DREAMING WHILE AWAKE IS A FRIGHTENING CONTRADICTION
  • DYING AND COMING BACK GIVES YOU CONSIDERABLE PERSPECTIVE
  • DYING SHOULD BE AS EASY AS FALLING OFF A LOG
  • EATING TOO MUCH IS CRIMINAL
  • ELABORATION IS A FORM OF POLLUTION
  • EMOTIONAL RESPONSES AR AS VALUABLE AS INTELLECTUAL RESPONSES
  • ENJOY YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU CAN’T CHANGE ANYTHING ANYWAY
  • ENSURE THAT YOUR LIFE STAYS IN FLUX
  • EVEN YOUR FAMILY CAN BETRAY YOU
  • EVERY ACHIEVEMENT REQUIRES A SACRIFICE
  • EVERYONE’S WORK IS EQUALLY IMPORTANT
  • EVERYTHING THAT’S INTERESTING IS NEW
  • EXCEPTIONAL PEOPLE DESERVE SPECIAL CONCESSIONS
  • EXPIRING FOR LOVE IS BEAUTIFUL BUT STUPID
  • EXPRESSING ANGER IS NECESSARY
  • EXTREME BEHAVIOR HAS ITS BASIS IN PATHOLOGICAL PSYCHOLOGY
  • EXTREME SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS LEADS TO PERVERSION
  • FAITHFULNESS IS A SOCIAL NOT A BIOLOGICAL LAW
  • FAKE OR REAL INDIFFERENCE IS A POWERFUL PERSONAL WEAPON
  • FATHERS OFTEN USE TOO MUCH FORCE
  • FEAR IS THE GREATEST INCAPACITATOR
  • FREEDOM IS A LUXURY NOT A NECESSITY
  • GIVING FREE REIN TO YOUR EMOTIONS IS AN HONEST WAY TO LIVE
  • GO ALL OUT IN ROMANCE AND LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY
  • GOING WITH THE FLOW IS SOOTHING BUT RISKY
  • GOOD DEEDS EVENTUALLY ARE REWARDED
  • GOVERNMENT IS A BURDEN ON THE PEOPLE
  • GRASS ROOTS AGITATION IS THE ONLY HOPE
  • GUILT AND SELF-LACERATION ARE INDULGENCES
  • HABITUAL CONTEMPT DOESN’T REFLECT A FINER SENSIBILITY
  • HIDING YOUR EMOTIONS IS DESPICABLE
  • HOLDING BACK PROTECTS YOUR VITAL ENERGIES
  • HUMANISM IS OBSOLETE
  • HUMOR IS A RELEASE
  • IDEALS ARE REPLACED BY CONVENTIONAL GOALS AT A CERTAIN AGE
  • IF YOU AREN’T POLITICAL YOUR PERSONAL LIFE SHOULD BE EXEMPLARY
  • IF YOU CAN’T LEAVE YOUR MARK GIVE UP
  • IF YOU HAVE MANY DESIRES YOUR LIFE WILL BE INTERESTING
  • IF YOU LIVE SIMPLY THERE IS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
  • IGNORING ENEMIES IS THE BEST WAY TO FIGHT
  • ILLNESS IS A STATE OF MIND
  • IMPOSING ORDER IS MAN’S VOCATION FOR CHAOS IS HELL
  • IN SOME INSTANCES IT’S BETTER TO DIE THAN TO CONTINUE
  • INHERITANCE MUST BE ABOLISHED
  • IT CAN BE HELPFUL TO KEEP GOING NO MATTER WHAT
  • IT IS HEROIC TO TRY TO STOP TIME
  • IT IS MAN’S FATE TO OUTSMART HIMSELF
  • IT IS A GIFT TO THE WORLD NOT TO HAVE BABIES
  • IT’S BETTER TO BE A GOOD PERSON THAN A FAMOUS PERSON
  • IT’S BETTER TO BE LONELY THAN TO BE WITH INFERIOR PEOPLE
  • IT’S BETTER TO BE NAIVE THAN JADED
  • IT’S BETTER TO STUDY THE LIVING FACT THAN TO ANALYZE HISTORY
  • IT’S CRUCIAL TO HAVE AN ACTIVE FANTASY LIFE
  • IT’S GOOD TO GIVE EXTRA MONEY TO CHARITY
  • IT’S IMPORTANT TO STAY CLEAN ON ALL LEVELS
  • IT’S JUST AN ACCIDENT THAT YOUR PARENTS ARE YOUR PARENTS
  • IT’S NOT GOOD TO HOLD TOO MANY ABSOLUTES
  • IT’S NOT GOOD TO OPERATE ON CREDIT
  • IT’S VITAL TO LIVE IN HARMONY WITH NATURE
  • JUST BELIEVING SOMETHING CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN
  • KEEP SOMETHING IN RESERVE FOR EMERGENCIES
  • KILLING IS UNAVOIDABLE BUT NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF
  • KNOWING YOURSELF LETS YOU UNDERSTAND OTHERS
  • KNOWLEDGE SHOULD BE ADVANCED AT ALL COSTS
  • LABOR IS A LIFE-DESTROYING ACTIVITY
  • LACK OF CHARISMA CAN BE FATAL
  • LEISURE TIME IS A GIGANTIC SMOKE SCREEN
  • LISTEN WHEN YOUR BODY TALKS
  • LOOKING BACK IS THE FIRST SIGN OF AGING AND DECAY

  • LOVING ANIMALS IS A SUBSTITUTE ACTIVITY
  • LOW EXPECTATIONS ARE GOOD PROTECTION
  • MANUAL LABOR CAN BE REFRESHING AND WHOLESOME
  • MEN ARE NOT MONOGAMOUS BY NATURE
  • MODERATION KILLS THE SPIRIT
  • MONEY CREATES TASTE
  • MONOMANIA IS A PREREQUISITE OF SUCCESS
  • MORALS ARE FOR LITTLE PEOPLE
  • MOST PEOPLE ARE NOT FIT TO RULE THEMSELVES
  • MOSTLY YOU SHOULD MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS
  • MOTHERS SHOULDN’T MAKE TOO MANY SACRIFICES
  • MUCH WAS DECIDED BEFORE YOU WERE BORN
  • MURDER HAS ITS SEXUAL SIDE
  • MYTH CAN MAKE REALITY MORE INTELLIGIBLE
  • NOISE CAN BE HOSTILE
  • NOTHING UPSETS THE BALANCE OF GOOD AND EVIL
  • OCCASIONALLY PRINCIPLES ARE MORE VALUABLE THAN PEOPLE
  • OFFER VERY LITTLE INFORMATION ABOUT YOURSELF
  • OFTEN YOU SHOULD ACT LIKE YOU ARE SEXLESS
  • OLD FRIENDS ARE BETTER LEFT IN THE PAST
  • OPACITY IS AN IRRESISTIBLE CHALLENGE
  • PAIN CAN BE A VERY POSITIVE THING
  • PEOPLE ARE BORING UNLESS THEY ARE EXTREMISTS
  • PEOPLE ARE NUTS IF THEY THINK THEY ARE IMPORTANT
  • PEOPLE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT THEY DO UNLESS THEY ARE INSANE
  • PEOPLE WHO DON’T WORK WITH THEIR HANDS ARE PARASITES
  • PEOPLE WHO GO CRAZY ARE TOO SENSITIVE
  • PEOPLE WON’T BEHAVE IF THEY HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE
  • PHYSICAL CULTURE IS SECOND BEST
  • PLANNING FOR THE FUTURE IS ESCAPISM
  • PLAYING IT SAFE CAN CAUSE A LOT OF DAMAGE IN THE LONG RUN
  • POLITICS IS USED FOR PERSONAL GAIN
  • POTENTIAL COUNTS FOR NOTHING UNTIL IT’S REALIZED
  • PRIVATE PROPERTY CREATED CRIME
  • PURSUING PLEASURE FOR THE SAKE OF PLEASURE WILL RUIN YOU
  • PUSH YOURSELF TO THE LIMIT AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE
  • RAISE BOYS AND GIRLS THE SAME WAY
  • RANDOM MATING IS GOOD FOR DEBUNKING SEX MYTHS
  • RECHANNELING DESTRUCTIVE IMPULSES IS A SIGN OF MATURITY
  • RECLUSES ALWAYS GET WEAK
  • REDISTRIBUTING WEALTH IS IMPERATIVE
  • RELATIVITY IS NO BOON TO MANKIND
  • RELIGION CAUSES AS MANY PROBLEMS AS IT SOLVES
  • REMEMBER YOU ALWAYS HAVE FREEDOM OF CHOICE
  • REPETITION IS THE BEST WAY TO LEARN
  • RESOLUTIONS SERVE TO EASE OUR CONSCIENCE
  • REVOLUTION BEGINS WITH CHANGES IN THE INDIVIDUAL
  • ROMANTIC LOVE WAS INVENTED TO MANIPULATE WOMEN
  • ROUTINE IS A LINK WITH THE PAST
  • ROUTINE SMALL EXCESSES ARE WORSE THAN THEN THE OCCASIONAL DEBAUCH
  • SACRIFICING YOURSELF FOR A BAD CAUSE IS NOT A MORAL ACT
  • SALVATION CAN’T BE BOUGHT AND SOLD
  • SELF-AWARENESS CAN BE CRIPPLING
  • SELF-CONTEMPT CAN DO MORE HARM THAN GOOD
  • SELFISHNESS IS THE MOST BASIC MOTIVATION
  • SELFLESSNESS IS THE HIGHEST ACHIEVEMENT
  • SEPARATISM IS THE WAY TO A NEW BEGINNING
  • SEX DIFFERENCES ARE HERE TO STAY
  • SIN IS A MEANS OF SOCIAL CONTROL
  • SLIPPING INTO MADNESS IS GOOD FOR THE SAKE OF COMPARISON
  • SLOPPY THINKING GETS WORSE OVER TIME
  • SOLITUDE IS ENRICHING
  • SOMETIMES SCIENCE ADVANCES FASTER THAN IT SHOULD
  • SOMETIMES THINGS SEEM TO HAPPEN OF THEIR OWN ACCORD
  • SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME ON SELF-IMPROVEMENT IS ANTISOCIAL
  • STARVATION IS NATURE’S WAY
  • STASIS IS A DREAM STATE
  • STERILIZATION IS A WEAPON OF THE RULERS
  • STRONG EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT STEMS FROM BASIC INSECURITY
  • STUPID PEOPLE SHOULDN’T BREED
  • SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST APPLIES TO MEN AND ANIMALS
  • SYMBOLS ARE MORE MEANINGFUL THAN THINGS THEMSELVES
  • TAKING A STRONG STAND PUBLICIZES THE OPPOSITE POSITION
  • TALKING IS USED TO HIDE ONE’S INABILITY TO ACT
  • TEASING PEOPLE SEXUALLY CAN HAVE UGLY CONSEQUENCES
  • TECHNOLOGY WILL MAKE OR BREAK US
  • THE CRUELEST DISAPPOINTMENT IS WHEN YOU LET YOURSELF DOWN
  • THE DESIRE TO REPRODUCE IS A DEATH WISH
  • THE FAMILY IS LIVING ON BORROWED TIME
  • THE IDEA OF REVOLUTION IS AN ADOLESCENT FANTASY
  • THE IDEA OF TRANSCENDENCE IS USED TO OBSCURE OPPRESSION
  • THE IDIOSYNCRATIC HAS LOST ITS AUTHORITY
  • THE MOST PROFOUND THINGS ARE INEXPRESSIBLE
  • THE MUNDANE IS TO BE CHERISHED
  • THE NEW IS NOTHING BUT A RESTATEMENT OF THE OLD
  • THE ONLY WAY TO BE PURE IS TO STAY BY YOURSELF
  • THE SUM OF YOUR ACTIONS DETERMINES WHAT YOU ARE
  • THE UNATTAINABLE IS INVARIABLE ATTRACTIVE
  • THE WORLD OPERATES ACCORDING TO DISCOVERABLE LAWS
  • THERE ARE TOO FEW IMMUTABLE TRUTHS TODAY
  • THERE’S NOTHING EXCEPT WHAT YOU SENSE
  • THERE’S NOTHING REDEEMING IN TOIL
  • THINKING TOO MUCH CAN ONLY CAUSE PROBLEMS
  • THREATENING SOMEONE SEXUALLY IS A HORRIBLE ACT
  • TIMIDITY IS LAUGHABLE
  • TO DISAGREE PRESUPPOSES MORAL INTEGRITY
  • TO VOLUNTEER IS REACTIONARY
  • TORTURE IS BARBARIC
  • TRADING A LIFE FOR A LIFE IS FAIR ENOUGH
  • TRUE FREEDOM IS FRIGHTFUL
  • UNIQUE THINGS MUST BE THE MOST VALUABLE
  • UNQUESTIONING LOVE DEMONSTRATES LARGESSE OF SPIRIT
  • USING FORCE TO STOP FORCE IS ABSURD
  • VIOLENCE IS PERMISSIBLE EVEN DESIRABLE OCCASIONALLY
  • WAR IS A PURIFICATION RITE
  • WE MUST MAKE SACRIFICES TO MAINTAIN OUR QUALITY OF LIFE
  • WHEN SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS PEOPLE WAKE UP
  • WISHING THINGS AWAY IS NOT EFFECTIVE
  • WITH PERSEVERANCE YOU CAN DISCOVER ANY TRUTH
  • WORDS TEND TO BE INADEQUATE
  • WORRYING CAN HELP YOU PREPARE
  • YOU ARE A VICTIM OF THE RULES YOU LIVE BY
  • YOU ARE GUILELESS IN YOUR DREAMS
  • YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR CONSTITUTING THE MEANING OF THINGS
  • YOU ARE THE PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE
  • YOU CAN LIVE ON THROUGH YOUR DESCENDANTS
  • YOU CAN’T EXPECT PEOPLE TO BE SOMETHING THEY’RE NOT
  • YOU CAN’T FOOL OTHERS IF YOU’RE FOOLING YOURSELF
  • YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WHAT UNTIL YOU SUPPORT YOURSELF
  • YOU HAVE TO HURT OTHERS TO BE EXTRAORDINARY
  • YOU MUST BE INTIMATE WITH A TOKEN FEW
  • YOU MUST DISAGREE WITH AUTHORITY FIGURES
  • YOU MUST HAVE ONE GRAND PASSION
  • YOU MUST KNOW WHERE YOU STOP AND THE WORLD BEGINS
  • YOU CAN UNDERSTAND SOMEONE OF YOUR SEX ONLY
  • YOU OWE THE WORLD NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND
  • YOU SHOULD STUDY AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
  • YOUR ACTIONS AE POINTLESS IF NO ONE NOTICES
  • YOUR OLDEST FEARS ARE THE WORST ONES

http://www.cs.utexas.edu/~field/holzer/truisms.txt

Sixteen Things

Dave Barry’s "Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn"

  • You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe day-light-savings time.
  • You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
  • The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
  • The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
  • There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 111.
  • There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
  • People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  • If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
  • The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
  • If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
  • You should not confuse your career with your life.
  • A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
  • No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
  • When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
  • Your friends love you, anyway.
  • Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and do it.
  • It’s a good thing I already knew most of these things much earlier than the age of 50 but it’s a great list! Hope you enjoyed it! http://www.appleseeds.org/Barry_50years.htm

    Mitch Hedberg Quotes

    This guy is really cool and so funny! He died way too early but his words will always be with us. Here’s some of his quotes:
    Mitch-Hedberg-3.jpeg
    • I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
    • You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.
    • I had a small scene in a movie with Peter Frampton. And we had to smoke pot for our scene – but it was fake pot! Do not buy pot on a movie set. But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton, that’s a cool story. It’s as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton… I’ve done that way more.
    • I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens, and I got sick of not caring.
    • See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."
    • Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you’re high, and a joke doesn’t work, it’s extra scary. It’s like, "Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?" 
    • When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light… and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
    • I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.
    • I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen’s too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.
    • My manager was concerned, he said "Mitch, don’t use liquor as a crutch." I can’t use liquor as a crutch… because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely screws up the way I walk. It ain’t like a crutch, it’s like a step I didn’t see.
    • Is a hippopotomus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotomus?
    • I love my FedEx guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it… and he’s always on time.
    • ​I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I’d mess with his head. I’d say: "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don’t know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there’s nothing. It’s just flat."
    • I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
    • Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
    • I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girlfriend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to "slam the flap." How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick? *Zipper Noise* ! Fuck you.
    • I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
    • ​Like, we had a refrigerator with a hard-boiled egg inside, after a few days the shell started to crack. Eddie’s first comment was "Man, this guy’s a survivor!"
    • I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that’s real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I’d say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."
    • People used to think I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use. Like an extreme longing for cake. Then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake. He is on bunt cake." Mothers would say to their daughters, "Don’t bring the cake eater over here anymore! He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he heard your birthday was fast approaching?"
    • ​Last time I called shot gun we had rented a limo, so I fucked up…
    • My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah."
    • My friend said to me, "I think the weather’s trippy." I said, "No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, ‘Yeah.’ "
    • I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
    • Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know because, what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. "Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick something up!"
    • I like baked potatoes, man. I don’t have a microwave oven. It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows.
    More here