Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)

I love these quotes, they're really funny:
  • If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
    down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
  • To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
    you walk around.  That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
    hand?"  You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
  • One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going
    to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
    burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."
    He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a
    pretty good joke.  I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but
    decided to go home instead.
  • The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
  • If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I
    bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can’t you make it
    shoot farther?"  "No, I’m sorry.  That’s as far as it shoots."
  • Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
    flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?  And he’s carrying a
    beautiful rose in his beak, and also he’s carrying a very beautiful
    painting with his feet.  And also, you’re drunk.
  • I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
    children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.
  • If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
    him is, "God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
    thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
  • If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
    mirror, because I bet that’s what REALLY throws you into a panic.
  • Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
    instinct is to laugh.  But then I think, what if I was an ant and she
    fell on me.  Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
  • To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no
    choreography and the dancers hit each other.
  • I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
    don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with
    some good ideas.
  • If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons
    (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
  • Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call
    them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what,
    can’t we all be brothers?
  • Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort
    of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
  • I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
    that I’d just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because
    I was thinking about doing that anyway.
  • I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
    And since he’s so busy, you’d probably have to run up to him real
    quick and hand it to him.
  • Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
    itself. MANKIND.  Basically, it’s made up of two separate words "mank" and
    "ind." What do these words mean?  It’s a mystery and so is mankind.
  • If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
    forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.
  • It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money.  And I
    guess that’s what I like about it.  It’s easy.  Just sitting there,
    rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
  • If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer,
    I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
  • To me, clowns aren’t funny.  In fact, they’re kinda scary.  I’ve
    wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
    went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
  • As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
    again, I sat there thinking about life.  Was it nothing more than a
    bunch of honking and yelling?  Sometimes it seemed that way.
  • I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
    And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
  • I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in
    my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but
    it’s just eggs hatching.
  • Whenever you read a good book, it’s like the author is right there,
    in the room talking to you, which is why I don’t like to read good books.
  • What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing
    and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get
    drunk? And after you’re real drunk, maybe go down to the public park
    and stagger  around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go
    to sleep.
  • Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window?  The guy looks out
    it, and if he leans too far, he falls out.  Wait.  I guess that’s like
    a regular window.
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2 thoughts on “Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)”

  1. Thank you for the invite at LinkedIn.  Pleased to meet you.  Hope you will visit the Painting Studio one day.  As ever be well.  Stephen Craig Rowe

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