Types of viruses…

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we’re not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer’s involvement in other computer’s affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

George Bush virus: Doesn’t do anything, but you can’t get rid of it until November.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won’t harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Some fun quotes (2)

  • If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
  • It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is rarely a mistake. (Mencken)
  • Odd things, animals. Dogs look up to you. Cats look down to you. Only pigs see you as an equal’ (Churchill)
  • Never attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence. (Hanlon)
  • Everyone rises to his level of incompetence. (the Peter principle)
  • The meek may inherit the earth – but not its mineral rights. (Getty)
  • … a difficulty for every solution” (Samuel, on the Civil Service)
  • There will be no more misery… when the world is our rotisserie.  (Tom Lehrer)
  • Midget psychic escapes prison: small medium at large
  • Democracy is… the worship of jackals by jackasses. (Mencken)
  • EC institutions have produced European beets, butter, cheese, wine, veal and even pigs. But they have not produced Europeans. (Weiss)
  • Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. (Hubbard)
  • … a place where the money falls apart in your hands, but you can’t tear the toilet paper. (Wilder, on France)
  • Early to rise and early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead. (Thurber)

Some fun quotes (1)

  • God is a comedian, playing to an audience that’s too afraid to laugh.” (Voltaire)
  • People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
  • [A pessimist is] someone who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.” (Shaw)
  • A little inaccuracy can save tons of explanation.” (Saki)
  • All human actions are equivalent, and all are doomed to failure.” (Sartre)
  • A cynic is a man who, upon smelling flowers, looks around for a coffin.” (Mencken)
  • Curiosity kills more mice than cats.
  • Culture is, roughly, anything we do which the monkeys don’t.” (Raglan)
  • Birth, n., the first and direst of all disasters. (Bierce)
  • Blow your mind. Smoke gunpowder.
  • Everything that is not forbidden is compulsory.” (Gell-Mann)
  • Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
  • History repeats itself; historians repeat each other.” (Guedella)
  • History is the sum total of things which could have been avoided.”(Adenauer)
  • Humankind cannot bear very much reality.” (Elliot)
 
…. to be continued